Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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