It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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