Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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