Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
