I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
