I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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