I don't usually arrange sex via text message
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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