Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
