After last night, I could never be a politician.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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