he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
