Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
