Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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