I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
