My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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