dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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