Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
she peed on how many people?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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