When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
