First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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