when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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