So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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