If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
