I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
