The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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