I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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