He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
