he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
