I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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