i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
