Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
