wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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