I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
