I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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