You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
