Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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