Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
