My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
