alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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