why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
