look no pants
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
