i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
