hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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