I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
