And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
whose ass print is on the piano?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
