JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You took a bar mat shot.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
