if i can run in heels then i can drive
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
