What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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