Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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