my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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