I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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