I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
