and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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