i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
