If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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