I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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