Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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