Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
