i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
