Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
40s are totally the cure
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
