"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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