i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
