She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
